Hi friends, welcome to a new week ✨
Two months ago I wanted to quit my job. I was burnt out and miserable every day. I could no longer see what impact the work I was doing was having. Outside of work I was beginning to start up my coaching practice again and in the early stages of starting a flower farming business. I became hyper focused on crunching the numbers for both businesses, finding any way for it to add up to my full-time salary. For context, it can take anywhere from 2-5 years before a flower farm is profitable.
On top of this I was experiencing an internal spiral of imposter syndrome with coaching. How would I get enough clients to do this full-time? And what kind of yuck-inducing sales would I have to do to get that? And a lot of discomfort around charging money for it at all. Oddly enough, did not experience that feeling around selling flowers so I guess that’s a difference between services and products in my own mind.
All of this pressure was not only making me miserable at work but it was making me dread my own businesses. Every thought was negative. "I can't, I don't want to, I don't know how..." I felt trapped, and I was looking for the silver bullet.
Fast forward to the last few weeks. I feel excited about the challenges I'm working on at work. I've started working with coaching clients again and I'm having a lot of fun learning how to grow flowers. Almost nothing about my external situation changed. So I've found myself asking "what the fuck happened?"
Unsurprisingly, I don't think there was one silver bullet - but here's the things I've tracked that I think contributed to me getting here:
I started journalling. I just let all the stuff I was feeling about work pour out onto the page. I started to narrow down what was making me feel so bad.
Getting clear on what I wanted. My unhappiness at work led me into this fight or flight mode - all I could think about was how to escape. But I had no idea what I wanted to replace it with. So I let myself imagine my dream day, and then my dream week. It just flowed out of me and onto the page. I was starting to get clear on what I wanted, not just what I didn't want.
Anxiety dump. Thanks to my coach for this one I listed out every single thing giving me anxiety. I crossed off the things I couldn't control and made small action steps towards the things I could. This simple exercise helped me start to feel a small sense of control again.
Understanding my finances. I met with a financial planner to better understand where my finances were at. If I were to quit, how much runway would I have? What's my minimum monthly budget? This helped me feel in control and informed.
Ditched the negativity. Journalling (and my partner) helped me see just how negative and toxic my thoughts had become. A call with an amazing colleague and friend helped me see how a negative lens on things at work was making it all seem so much worse than it was. Yes, there were challenges outside my control and there still are, but I started focusing on the positive. Where was my work having an impact? What parts of the day felt good? What types of work did I enjoy?
Starting small. Because of all the pressure I was putting on my businesses to immediately become my out from my job I found myself stuck in a loop of the scale they both needed to be at to make that possible and anxious about just how far away they both were from it. By this point I had started to feel more sense of control with work so I took that pressure off of them and started focusing on just the right next step. Squatting the bar.
Self-compassion. Unsurprisingly, I was being incredibly hard on myself throughout all of this. Thoughts of being a failure because I didn't enjoy work anymore, that I didn't have what it takes to be a coach, the list goes on. I started paying closer attention to the inner dialogue and countering the harsh voice with a gentler one.
Seeing the possibilities. The connection between negativity and close-minded thinking became very clear to me throughout this time period. My coach was a big part of helping me see outside of this perspective:
I have to sell myself to be a successful coach and that feels gross became: I can reach the people that are right for me in a way that aligns with my values.
What if people don't like me or what I'm putting out there? became: If I share my authentic self with others, I will find my people. Some people will not like me, and that is okay.
What if I mess up or do something the wrong way? became: I can give myself the permission to learn as I go and trust that I have everything I need right now.
Separating my identity from what I create/do. I think starting the two businesses outside of work has actually helped with this a lot. And also, my self-compassion practice. I've started to see myself as separate from the things I create. If someone has critical feedback about something at work it no longer feels like a criticism about me. I can hear it, decide what I agree or don't agree with and move forward. If I make a mistake, I see it as something I can improve next time instead of “proof” that I'm not cut out for something.
That’s a long list, but after reflecting on the last month or so, I've pulled out four main stages that I travelled through:
Getting clarity: I needed to figure out what I wanted, not just what I didn't want. I also needed to get clear on my values and how to start bringing them into my day to day more.
Gaining awareness: I started to see how my limiting beliefs, negative thought patterns and harsh inner dialogue were impacting my ability to find enjoyment in anything I was doing.
Gaining a new perspective: I started focusing on what was in my control, what was possible and where I could start making progress.
Getting going: I started putting myself out there more, via this newsletter, on Instagram etc. I started doing the work, instead of sitting in anxiety about what work to do.
Each stage had to happen before the next one could. For example, I couldn't even determine what steps needed to be taken before I was clear about what I really wanted. And I couldn't start to see things from a new perspective before I became aware of how my current perspective had been holding me back.
A month ago I felt like I was pushing myself through quicksand. Over the last few weeks, things just seem to flow. Ideas come to me in the shower, answers for problems come when I'm not trying to solve them and my inner critic seems to have taken some time off.
We often think that doing the work means pushing ahead, slamming against the wall until it breaks - but sometimes what we actually need is to take a step back and see the door that's just a few steps to the left.
I no longer want to quit my job. There are still challenges and difficult days but I’m also really enjoying the places that I have impact and the people I work with. I know I won’t be there forever so I’m focusing on what I can learn and how it can support my other pursuits while I’m there.
Notes: I want to acknowledge that while I firmly believe everyone can do the above things, I know there is immense privilege in having access to a coach, therapist, financial planner and the time and space to do this type of work. I also want to note that for some situations and some people, quitting will be the right move to make - this is just my own experience in this moment.
Something to try
If you find yourself in an anxiety spiral right now one of the quickest ways to feel a sense of control is to see it all laid out in front of you. Just get it out of your head. Make a list of all the things you’re worrying about right now. And if you want to go one step further, either:
a) Cross off the things out of your control
OR
b) Think of one small action you could take that is in your control for each thing
My example: If I quit my job I’ll fall into massive debt again.
I can control not quitting my job until I feel confident and financially stable. I can determine what things would need to happen for me to feel that way and then I can take steps towards them.
Work with me
The four stages I listed above are the same four stages I work through with coaching clients. If you need some help stepping out of the spiral and some steps to take to get unstuck, I’d love to help. If you’re just curious to learn more, reply to this email and let’s chat.
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