Welcome to a whole new week. β¨
Hey before I start, I want you to show yourself a little love. What do you need as you filter through your inbox? A couple shoulder rolls? A few deep breaths? A guttural scream?
Whatever it is, give it to yourself. I hope a few of you let out a good scream - haha, it's giving me a lot of joy to imagine a few folks just yelling in place.
Okay, getting into it.
Last Saturday, I took myself on a little mushroom trip. I'd been thinking about it for months, researching it for weeks. To the point I had to remind myself to not have any expectations going in. Because we never truly know how we'll react to any new substance.
I've done mushrooms twice before, but it was in high school as a party drug. This time I wanted to bring a little more intention to it. Now, mushrooms are still very much illegal, but in many places where the lines are a little grey there are being studied and used therapeutically to treat all kinds of things: mainly depression and anxiety but even cancer and end of life treatment. They're also one of the main drugs of choice for the increasingly popular practice of microdosing.
I would love to be able to do them in a therapeutic setting with supervision and guidance but as far as I can tell there's not many places that offer it in Canada, if any, and while there is in the US the pandemic is another limiting factor.
Why mushrooms? Why now?
Well, a few years ago I found my current therapist. I was drawn to her because she's trained in a number of modalities: hypnotherapy, EMDR and she's a great talk therapist as well. Hypnotherapy showed me that we can rewire our brain pathways. Add new thought patterns and move on from the ones that no longer serve. To tell the short version of my story, in my mid-20s I learned how to manage my depression and anxiety (although anxiety still kicks around these days) but I was left with still a nasty inner dialogue and a total lack of self-compassion. Working with my therapist and coaches over the last few years has been nothing short of life-changing in that department.
But last year was hard, and I was feeling like it was time to experiment with something new. So I started researching mushrooms. A friend recommended a Canadian company who sells microdosing tablets and I figured there probably wasn't a better time to try it out. You know, with all the not leaving the house and loads of time for introspection. So I started microdosing and within a few weeks had started to see an improvement in my mood and overall outlook. When you microdose you don't get "high", in fact I don't feel anything at all. Usually I just notice that day goes a little easier and I feel generally happier. As I got more comfortable with microdosing I grew curious about doing a full trip. I'd read about the benefits, considered the risks. I'm currently in the best headspace I've been in years so I figured now was a good time.
Which brings us to last Saturday. I'd learned from microdosing that it's best to set an intention for the trip. Mine was self-love. If you've read my previous newsletters you know how valuable I think compassion is. For ourselves and others. In my personal work over the last few years I have learned it is the root of everything. What used to seem to me like a nice side benefit or something you could allow yourself to feel once you'd "accomplished enough" I now see as the foundation. So here was my intention:
"I want to love myself for my whole self. To cultivate a loving relationship with myself that will allow me to accomplish the things that are important to me with more confidence, joy and ease."
I took the mushrooms as a tea around noon with a friend over FaceTime who was also doing them with me. We said goodbye and I came upstairs to my attic to meditate and reflect on my intention.
I felt them probably 20 minutes in. Mostly just a light and buzzy feeling in my body. I did a guided self-compassion meditation and when I opened my eyes found myself completely enthralled with the smoke from my burning incense. I wasn't hallucinating but it was just like every tiny little detail was so interesting. Next I became fascinated with just how much our bodies do without thinking. I remember I had wrapped myself in a blanket and my hand was sticking out, it got cold and moments later was under the blanket. I know this seems mundane and obvious but in the moment and honestly even now it's just so impressive to me how much our bodies do that doesn't require conscious thought. As a textbook over thinker this was a good takeaway for me. Sometimes you truly don't need to think so hard.
I sat cozy and warm in my blanket and about an hour in I felt my intention coming to life in my body. It was this warm, loving sensation that just washed over me. I felt so much love for myself and a sense of wanting to protect myself. I was so overwhelmed by the feeling I started to cry. They were the best kind of tears. Self-love is hard. You can practice and practice, but in my experience the times you feel true love for yourself and believe in your inherent worthiness are rare. This was one of them. In fact, maybe the first time ever at this level.
There are two main themes I've pulled from my insights on the trip:
1. The powerful insights that can come from the seemingly mundane
2. None of my insights were truly new or even new to me, but I was more open to believing them and feeling them
At one point while staring at the smoke billowing up from my incense I started to wonder how smoke worked. Like obviously, heat, air etc. But the way it moves in completely random directions? Why doesn't it all go one way? In that moment I realized there's definitely scientific explanations for it, but I also realized that doesn't make it any less magical. But then again I've never seen science and magic as opposites. I found myself full of questions and one of the notes I wrote down was: where's the fun in having all the questions answered? Again, as an over thinker and recovering perfectionist - this thought brought a lot of peace.
I could probably write five more newsletters on every little insight I had. I think I had profound experiences with just about every food I ate during the 6 hours - haha. But what I walked away with and what has stuck with me since is a deep connection to myself. I found myself anxious at times about leaving the room I was in, or the song changing - any change to the energy initially made me anxious. But then I wrote this down:
"You can be anywhere, you'll always bring this quality of energy with you. You bring the joy with you, outside can change if you take care of inside."
This is a deep sense of self-trust I've never experienced. They weren't just words, I believed them. I still do. I can't fully express in words how it feels to shift from being ashamed of so many parts of yourself, hiding interests, feelings, opinions, leaning on others and experiences to dictate your level of joy or happiness - to this understanding that I bring what I need to every experience and situation I'm in. I bring what I need to every experience and situation Iβm in. I understand that I'm my own protector, fun-bringer, happiness-generator and while experiences and other people can of course bring happiness and excitement, I should never rely on them to fill my own cup. It feels like walking into a room already whole, instead of half empty and hoping that room fills you with something positive.
To wrap this up, I think it's important to say that all this didn't come from the mushrooms. I've done years of work, on my own, with coaches, with therapists and I think that's the foundation that this trip was built on. What I'm taking away is that the cultivation of self-compassion is a daily practice, but there are incredible tools out there to help take the practice to another level when you feel it's right. It reminds me a bit of that Pablo Picasso quote: "Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working." It's the same with the personal development journey - breakthroughs and insights exist but they need to find you doing the work.
Sometimes the work is hard and highly emotional, sometimes the practice is air drumming in my office before work to shift my energy. Mushrooms are just one way I've played with bringing some fun and ease to the work.
If you have any questions, feel free to reply to this email! I'm not an expert but I'm happy to share my personal experience and resources I've found.
Something to try
Haha - I'm not going to tell you to try mushrooms, that's a deeply personal decision.
What I'll offer instead is, how could you bring some ease into your work? And I mean work in the most general sense of the word - what's something you're struggling with right now? Instead of pushing harder how could you introduce ease - maybe even a little fun?
If you've followed along the last few newsletters, I'd love to hear what you think so far! What are you enjoying?
Have an amazing week!
Loved this! So so smart and insightful. It's hard to get me to read something lately (lol) but this piece kept me intrigued